Drive in Drive Out

Apparently I don't blog here enough. It's not that I don't want to but the myspace blog is a format that I prefer to use. Not that this one is difficult, I just really like the setup and options there. To anyone that reads me here and not there, I'm sorry. I haven't forgotten y'all. Really I haven't.

I've been feeling kind of blah lately. Well not so much blah as just flat out tired. I think that the extra shifts I've picked up at work have sort of done me in. I feel like sleep is very elusive to me these days and I hate that. I have so many things that I need to do and no energy to do them. Heck the Christmas tree is still up in my living room because I just don't have the mojo to take it down, although I did manage to get the ornaments off of it. Thank God it's artificial. Can you imagine if it was real the mess we'd have in our living room? UGH!

My kids are driving me insane lately. Chloe has become whiney and clingy in a matter of just weeks. Nothing seems to make her happy anymore and it's so tiring. Jake on the other hand has sort of calmed down and I can't tell you how happy I am about that. I thought for a while that I was going to have Lucifer and his little sister Luciferette living in the same house and that just wasn't going to fly with me. I'd have commited childicide (is that a word). It doesn't help that we have no babysitter at the moment so I frequently am spending full days with them on literally no sleep. Not a great combination.

Oh... we are starting to have "Chloeisms" now. Earlier I download the song from Madagascar for them and had them dancing in the living room. Both were having a great time. Jake told his daddy that he was shaking his booty, which isn't really new for him. Right about that time Chloe pops out with...

"Shake your booby"

She was so proud of herself and really who could blame her. She had the whole room in stitches. Maybe they both have a future in comedy (although I doubt it). So this is the official beginning of the Chloeisms at my house. I'm sure there will be many many more.

It's almost here! In just over 2 months baseball will be back and frankly the wait is going to kill me. I know that I blog about baseball probably too much for most people that might actually read this but I can't help it. I love baseball so I talk about it.
I'm pretty excited about this year because I think the Giants have actually put together a decent team and I see a lot of potential. It remains to be seen whether they will actually have a shot at the Series. They made some decent aquisitions that give me hope though. Barry Zito is probably the most exciting pick up of this off season if I'm honest though. I never thought the Giants would have the balls to spend the kind of money they were going to need to spend. But they did. I also feel like Dave Roberts will turn out to be a good one. I suppose we'll see.
Then there's the negative off season crapola. Of course involving Barry Bonds. Ok, most see him as a surly, negative sort of dude and yes he is those things. He's also an amazing baseball player that has done more for the game than most. Obviously there has been the steroid stuff swirling around him for a few years now. Personally I'm tired of it and would like to see it just stop. It seems to me that at this point it's merely a "let's get Barry" trip that someone is on and it's dumb. The positive amphetamine test? Dumb! Yes he tested positive, and yes he shouldn't have been taking them but the fact still remains that he's the best player out there right now. What irritates me though is that there is talk of the Giants trying to get out of the contract negotiations with him. Here's the deal... the Giants aren't supposed to know about the positive test so in my mind they shouldn't even be considering backing out. It's just wrong and obviously there are many people out there that want to see Barry disappear. They need to pull their heads out and move on.
At any rate though. I am thoroughly excited about the upcoming season. It didn't help that I was buying tickets to one of the coolest parks in the country yesterday. Somehow knowing that I'll be watching my team play there just makes the anticipation even greater. Really what could be better than watching your own team play at Fenway? I can think of nothing (except perhaps a certain un named gorgeous celebrity suddenly showing up at your door professing his love for you).

Can't Stop

Can't stop the tears. They are always there waiting to overflow. Just looking for that crack that will set them free. Unfortunately the crack is more of a gaping hole. I just don't have the strength to hold them back

Can't stop the hurt. The constant ache that is in my heart. It crushes me and yet I can find no cure for it. It sits there, festering, aching, smothering.

Can't stop the anger. This burning, hateful anger. It overwhelms me and scares me. Again, I don't have the strength to hold it back. It just boils over and seems to burn everyone in it's path.

Can't stop feeling worthless. The words bit and stung. The pain from them worse than anything I've felt. Funny how words can be so damaging and yet they are just words.

Can't stop... just simply can't stop.

It knows no bounds...

paranoia that is. I swear some people take paranoia to new heights and they don't even realize they are doing it. It's maddening and yet there's not a damn thing I can do to make it stop.
I would love to be the kind of person that can just ignore such stupidity but I can't. Funny thing about it is that I used to be that person, the one that would worry about everything and everyone around me. Is so and so talking about me, does hoo ha think I'm cool, etc, etc, etc. Now I just don't give a damn and it's a bit liberating, if I'm honest.
I'm not going to say that I don't have that occasional stab of doubt but it is so few and far between at this point that I don't consider it an issue anymore.
You probably are wondering where all of this is coming from right?
Well, I have a friend that seems to get paranoid if you so much as smile at him wrong. It's actually a bit amusing because I can't see where it's coming from. Let's face it, I'm a huge flirt. I always have been and likely always will be. It's just who I am. So apparently I winked at him one day (I didn't even realize I did it) and he got wigged out like everyone was going to think something was going on. All I could do was laugh, which of course made it worse.
I guess my thing is this.... if there's nothing going on then why freak out like that? It seems to me that the weirder he acts the more likely people are to question him. Right?
Anyway, that wasn't really the point of this whole blog post. I think I just wonder why? Why is it that people get so silly when there's no need? Why waste your energy having that internal conversation with yourself? You know the one... we've all had it. Aren't there better, more productive things to do with your time? I don't know. It's just one of those things that make me go hmmmm.

She's 2!

I simply cannot believe that my baby is 2 today! Funny to say that since I was obviously there the day she was born. It's just that while it's been a long 2 years in some respects my daughter has grown up so quickly that it seems the time flew by. Make sense?
I've watched her go from this little peanut that was a total momma's girl to a slightly bigger peanut who is still a total momma's girl. Actually of my three kids she was the biggest as a newborn. As a 2 year old she's by far the smallest. She still wears a 12-18 month size pants (and those are big on her), she is only in a size 4 shoe (for perspective her oldest brother was wearing a size 3 at 6 months old). She's so petite in stature yet so large in personality.
She's funny and frustrating, and nervewracking and amazing all in this little tiny body and that is just awe inspiring to me. How can this teeny little girl be so inspiring to me? I see her curiousity as she tries something new and envy it.
So my little Chloe Belle (Noelle if you want to be technical) is growing up faster than I can watch her. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't make me sad to know that I'll never witness this again, at least not with one of my children. Yet a part of me can't wait for her to be bigger so I can do those mommy/daughter things that I didn't have as a kid.

It has to be said....

Happy Birthday to Dave!


That's all.

Star light, star bright...

Lately I've been studying/learning about all things metaphysical. I've always had a pretty intense interest in the zodiac even though I never really could bring myself to say that I believed in it completely. However, way back in perhaps May or June (I can't really remember), a close friend of mine sent me a link to some information about empaths. This one little link sparked something in me that I haven't been able to shake. As I sat there reading about empaths I suddenly felt like something in me clicked. There was a familiarity in the information that was both comforting and eye opening at the same time. I saw myself in that article.
For most of my life I thought that I was just this overly sensitive, moody bitch. I had no idea why I reacted to things and people the way I did. I could walk into a room and immediately become tense and unhappy and not know why. I've had friends tell me that it drove them insane how I always knew something was up with them even when they thought they were hiding it well, or that I somehow always called at just the right moment to ask how they were doing.
That one little spark led to an even bigger interest in other aspects of the metaphysical world. I've begun learning more and more about the zodiac, empaths, auras, the chakras, tarot, you name it. What I've found is that I'm comfortable in this new skin. I like taking the time to learn and develop this side of me. I'm very hesitant to discuss it with people that aren't somehow involved or at least willing to be open minded about it. I mean really, how easy is it to strike up a conversation about reading someone's aura with that person? You can't really just say "gosh you're blue with smudges of black today" and have it fly all that well.
There's a huge part of me that feels a bit weird about it but at the same time I want to embrace this "thing" that has somehow made me more comfortable in my own skin. I've always been a bit of a sponge when it comes to learning new things and this is no different. I spend much of my free time combing the internet for information, or at the bookstore looking for books, or even talking to my friend about her own knowledge and experience.
I must say that it's opened me up to a whole new world of stuff (nice technical term eh). Funny how it took me almost 36 years to figure it out though. Geez, I've lost track of where I was going with all this. Believe it or not, I had a point when I started this blog and dammit if I didn't lose that point completely. Oh well, I'll just stop.